2009 year-end review & misc. stuff & my open letter to Darby

Might as well grab a drink, because this entry has a lot of content. This post was partially written on December 28, 2009.  

Due to the subject matter I couldn’t post it during a time of love and peace and all that other nice stuff that only happens once a year.

irst, an update on my mental state.

Zoloft is helping me a little, but those first 2 weeks were pure heck. It could just be that I’m glad that the OMG unrelenting stiffness finally went away.

 I can’t even explain it…had to talk myself out of quitting the pill cold turkey on several occasions because the physical symptoms were so debilitating.  

I was scared to drive because my arms were so numb.  I didn’t want to leave my bed.  Ever again. My dosage was upped a tiny bit, which resulted in another 2 weeks of heck.

Now, I’ve left my bed and am taking my meds as prescribed (half the Adderall I was originally prescribed, but taking Ambien semi-regularly.

It seems to help me fall asleep better because the Adderall dose is lower and the Zoloft makes me slightly tired.

I’m still having insomnia, but nowhere near as often.  My focus is a little off, but being on Zoloft doesn’t make your problems go away, only the intensity of the negative emotions they cause.  I’ve been painting a lot, and it’s seemingly become more enjoyable!  

It makes me realize just how bad my depression had become. It progressed so slowly that I didn’t even know that I’d changed until I no longer wanted to live.

 I have myself convinced that I’d never go through with suicide, but just carrying those intense feelings around with you all the time is no fun.  

My husband deserves better, and we deserve better because we’re good people.  I’ve put Nes through a lot of unintentional stress.  

I don’t know where he finds the strength to put up with my “episodes” and unhealthy fishing obsession, but I’m smart enough to know how lucky I am to have married him.

He’s patient, makes me feel safe and he’s the ultimate in terms of snuggification.  He even does the dishes!

4th of July at Fenway

Christmas was OK…as atheists, we (parents & I) use the day as an opportunity to spend time together, mom uses it as an excuse to do a ridiculous amount of shopping and a reason to bake cookies & cupcakes then gorge ourselves on them.  

The season is a celebration of excessively salty pork products, and getting absolutely trashed is “optional.”  Oh, and Scattergories MUST BE PLAYED, even though I ultimately get upset because my mom attempts to rationalize how an impala belongs in the category “things you’d find in the ocean.”  Nes and I didn’t “exchange gifts” but he surprised me with a ticket to see Bon Jovi concert at Mohegan Sun.

 Yup, I told you he’s awesome.  🙂

Overall, it’s been a really rough year.

A lot of it comes down to money…this $14,000 medical bill (gallbladder-ectomy) never seems to get any smaller, another 11K in credit card debt that never goes away (even though I haven’t used a card in years.)

Business has been awful for many artists.  

I’ve considered ending the “Hope” series because sometimes I feel there’s only a “glimmer” of hope left.

I did get some publicity in 2009, although these small victories quickly turn bittersweet as quickly as the copycats swarm.  

I hate money, but let’s face it…when you don’t have any money, things get stressful.  Bills pile up; sacrifices need to be made.

It sucks. I no longer have the National Geographic Channel. :-(